Why You Should Stop Asking for Someone's 'Preferred' Pronouns (and What to Say Instead)

Sharing our pronouns is one of the simplest ways to familiarise ourselves with using inclusive language. Whether we include them in introductions or add them to our email signatures, more and more people are recognizing how these small acts of inclusion can make a big difference in everyday life.

A common way people talk about pronouns - especially in the workplace - is by referring to them as “preferred” pronouns. You might hear it when someone introduces themselves, or see it in written documents such as intake and registration forms: first name, followed by “preferred pronouns.” The intention is clearly to be inclusive - to make sure everyone is referred to in a way that reflects who they are and helps them feel seen and safe, and that is so important. But there are some issues with calling them “preferred” pronouns that might not be as inclusive as it appears at first glance.

Generally, when we talk about our preferences, there’s usually a sense of optionality about it. “I prefer chocolate ice cream” suggests it’s the top choice, but it leaves room for other options too. Saying “I prefer Iceland” for a holiday destination makes it clear where you want to go, but it also gives the impression that negotiation is possible. Ultimately, when we frame pronouns as a preference, it can unintentionally imply that they’re up for discussion or something to remember if convenient, when this could not be further from the truth.

When someone shares their pronouns with us, they are not expressing a preference or offering a suggestion of how they wish to be referred to. Someone’s pronouns are a part of their identity - it’s non-negotiable, and using the correct pronouns is a fundamental way of showing respect.

So what should we say instead? It’s simple: just say pronouns. No need to add “preferred” - ask for someone’s pronouns the same way you’d ask for their name. While gender diversity can feel like a complex topic, especially if it’s unfamiliar to you, not everything has to be complicated. In fact, in trying to be inclusive, we can sometimes end up over-complicating things. In this case, the simpler approach is actually the more inclusive one.

We know learning about gender diversity can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially if it’s new. Our 1.5-hour workplace Pride Sessions offer a space to explore the meaning behind Pride and learn practical, thoughtful ways to support your 2SLGBTQIA+* co-workers like how to navigate pronouns like a pro. These sessions are a great starting point if you’re feeling unsure and want to deepen your understanding in a supportive space. Click here for more information!

* Two-Spirit, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual, agender, and many more